Relationship counseling - starting a new relationship advice
Getting Past the 3-Month Hurdle of a New Relationship
You’ve met Mr. (or Ms.) Right and fell head-over-heels in love. All your friends and family members support this new relationship, and your hopes have never been higher. You’ve looked for red flags that have, in the past, been the cause of relationship failure, but you can’t see a single flaw in this new relationship or your new partner.
Fast forward to the 3-month mark, and suddenly the picture changes. You find yourself bickering or fighting with your heretofore “perfect” mate, and the red-flags wave from every direction. What went wrong, and, more importantly, how do you know whether Mr. Right is the real deal? Do you hang in there, or move on?
Experts know from experience (and exhaustive studies) that the romantic stage of a relationship – those first few weeks where love is blind – is a temporary occurrence that has more to do with science than with the possible infallibility of your new partner. We likewise know that all those raging chemicals which fill a person with “love” and “passion” will begin to wane -- usually between the 2nd and 5th months -- as chemicals re-balance to normal and as the new couple settles into the mutual reality of their lives. This trend is something the experts count on in their guidance of clients.
It is at this point in a new relationship when other trends will also come into play, and which likewise guide a therapist in his or her understanding of what is really going on in a relationship. One such trend involves the individual’s tendency to bring old habits into a new relationship. This is different than baggage, but the two can overlap. Discovering exactly what those habits are and how they affect the current relationship, however, is unique to each couple. Let’s look at a real-life example:
Lisa & Scott: A Real-Life Example Lisa and Scott are both nearing middle age and have both experienced marriage and divorce. They each have children, though Lisa’s child is much younger than Scott’s two teens who attend college and no longer live at home. Since their respective divorces, each has had several failed attempts at a new relationship. This time, they both see in one another something special; they both say, “I’ve never felt this way before.”
Both Lisa and Scott believe they know – at this stage of their lives – what they do and don’t want out of a relationship. Both are willing to admit that they “aren’t perfect,” and both want to know what they need to do to make this relationship work.
Speaking to each of them individually, I begin to unravel the issues so we can approach the various resolutions to current and potential problems.
Lisa says, “At first, Scott called and texted me 10 or more times a day while we were apart. It felt good to know that he was thinking of me when we weren’t together. He called one afternoon – and, understand, it was his 6th or 7th call that day – and I was in the middle of an important conversation with my closest girlfriend who is dealing with cancer. I told him I’d call him back. When he got home from work that night, he barely spoke to me. Turns out, he was hurt that I ‘ignored’ him when he called.”
Scott says, “Lisa thinks I’m calling too much. She doesn’t think it’s normal. Now when I call, she makes up excuses as to why she can’t talk or says she’ll call me back. All I want to do is quickly say ‘I’m thinking of you’ or something, and I can’t see how that is a problem.”
As should be obvious on its face, each person in the relationship has a different perspective on the same set of facts. It’s important to take this scenario and discover what is hidden between the lines. What is Lisa really saying? How does Scott really feel? And, is there a problem to be fixed?
The number of times that Scott calls Lisa is concerning, at the outset. It could possibly mean that Scott is needy or dependent, that he is unable to feel comfortable in his own skin unless he has something tangible to remind him of the connection that exists between him and the woman he loves. He may lack the confidence to simply know, without repeated reinforcement, that he is loved and that Lisa hasn’t abandoned him while he is at work.
This reality – that Scott appears to need Lisa in a way that goes beyond the norm – is not something he will readily or easily accept. If Lisa points it out to him, he feels criticized and rejected. “I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t,” he says. He is not able to see his own behavior from Lisa’s perspective, or from the perspective of a neutral 3rd party for that matter.
For Lisa’s part, she admits that she initially enjoyed the amount of attention Scott gave her with his repeated calls and texts. When the behavior starts to interfere with her normal daily life, however, the euphoria is replaced by resentment. “Why can’t he just understand that I have other interests and things to do that don’t involve him, but that I still love him?” She doesn’t see that she encouraged the behavior by her initial expression of appreciation for the attention.
By the middle of the 4th month, Scott and Lisa’s relationship took a turn for the worse. Having planned to get an apartment together, Lisa backed out of the move and told Scott that they needed more time before taking that step. Scott felt rejected.
The couple allowed small grievances to turn into big arguments. Lisa began to resent that Scott habitually left the toilet seat raised, and Scott began to resent any time that Lisa spent with her female friends. One night when Scott forgot to bring home bird seed for the cockatiel the two had adopted, Lisa snapped. “It’s like he just doesn’t care or think about anyone but himself! Getting the bird was his idea, but I’m the one who has to care for it. I asked for one simple favor, and it’s not important enough to him to remember?”
During his session, Scott vented, “I work all day, and then I need to run errands, too? Why can’t Lisa take 30 minutes to run to the store and get what we need? Am I not allowed to forget something every once in awhile? It’s like I can’t do anything right!”
The Reality of the Relationship (relationship counseling) Scott and Lisa are missing the boat when it comes to relationships. Lisa feels like Scott “doesn’t care” when he makes a basic human mistake, failing to recognize all of the things that Scott does do to show his love. For his part, Scott personalizes Lisa’s behavior, and feels like he’s not getting enough attention or consideration from Lisa, failing to recognize that her basic nature is to be a caring, loving, and nurturing woman. What he finds as “selfish” is actually Lisa demonstrating her individuality. What she finds as irresponsible is actually Scott being human.
When I ask Scott what he wants from a relationship, he quickly states, “I just want to be accepted for who I am, and I want to be loved and valued. I want her to show me attention and affection. I want her to realize that my feelings are just as valid as hers, and that my opinions are no less important.”
When asked what he doesn’t want, Scott says, “I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to feel like I’m always wrong, and that her opinion is the only one that matters.”
For her part, Lisa states, “I want to share my life, not give all of it away. I want to be able to love someone unconditionally and have fun with him without unnecessary drama. I need a man in my life who is confident and secure enough to know that I love him without having to constantly reassure him, and someone who can support me when I need support. I don’t want to be his parent; I want to be his partner.”
Evaluation (relationship advice) I asked Scott to closely evaluate what he wants from a relationship. Not seeing anything “wrong” with his description, he said, “Yeah. So?” I pointed out that his perspective was all about what he could get from someone else. It was all about him receiving, not giving. He wants to receive love, attention, affection, and he wants his feelings and opinions to be validated as genuine and important.
In contrast, Lisa’s description of her ideal relationship is primarily about giving. She wants to give of herself, to “share” her life without losing her independence. She wants to engage in the act of loving her partner without conditions.
In all likelihood, Lisa’s life has been primarily about giving, and Scott’s life has been primarily about taking. They’ve brought these characteristics into their new relationship, and it is now causing problems. Lisa recognizes, though, that it can’t all be about her giving to someone, that it’s not her responsibility to constantly reassure someone who lacks the confidence and security to feel comfortable alone, in his own skin. She appears to be aware of healthy boundaries, whereas Scott seems to want a relationship without boundaries.
“Takers” like Scott are often selfish and hyper focused on their own desires. Their world revolves around whatever it is that “makes them happy,” believing that happiness comes from what they get, whether it be what they can get from some one or some thing. Instant gratification is often a problem, where the person needs to be fulfilled immediately, without care or consideration to the circumstances of others.
I’ve worked with many recovering alcoholics and addicts who often exhibit this characteristic. Because they have the capacity to love someone else however, they are difficult to educate as to their tendency to be selfish. This type of individual is also often needy; the world is a plate from which they take to fill a void. To be happy, these people need a lot of attention and validation and are likely to come unhinged when their feelings or opinions differ with those of their partner.
Remember when Lisa chose to assert her independence and talk to the friend who was battling cancer rather than take yet another call from Scott? Scott felt hurt. In his opinion, Lisa was rejecting him. He couldn’t see the circumstances beyond his own need to validate his love for Lisa. And when Lisa said, “I love you, and I understand you just wanted to let me know you were missing me, but at that moment my girlfriend needed me, too, and I needed to be there for her.” By not accepting that Lisa would have needs and desires which are unrelated to Scott, he was being needy and selfish. His selfishness is exhibited in his inability to step into her shoes, and his neediness is exhibited by his need to immediate gratification. When his desire for immediate gratification wasn’t met, he lashed out and blamed Lisa for his unhappiness.
On the other hand, because Lisa has always been a care-taker and has always put the needs of others before taking care of herself, she feeds into Scott’s overwhelming need to be cared for and loved. Now that Lisa is aware that she cannot continue to ignore her own needs and that her independence is just as important as her relationship, she’s not sure how to balance the two. As a result, she blames Scott for the guilt she feels. Whereas Scott needs to learn that happiness comes from the joy of giving, Lisa needs to learn that there is a limit to what is given.
The Solution (useful advice on improving relationship) So, what is the solution here? How does this couple go forward – or is it even worth it? Will Scott ever be able to break from the habitual selfishness, dependency, and neediness that is tearing this couple apart? Will Lisa be able to stand firm with the healthy boundaries she has set without caving under a load of guilt for asserting her independence?
Only time will tell. But as that time progresses, Scott will need to do some intense self-awareness exercises, and grow spiritually. As he becomes more confident and comfortable in his own skin whenever he is away from Lisa, he’ll stop blaming her when he lacks the happiness he desires. He won’t “miss her” every moment he is away from her, and won’t need to constantly touch base. As he learns patience and moves away from the tendency to fall apart whenever he doesn’t receive immediate gratification, he’ll stop blaming Lisa when his immediate desires aren’t met.
As Lisa continues to assert her independence and maintain healthy boundaries, she’ll learn that she has no reason to feel guilty. As the guilt lessens, so will the blame. It’s not her fault, for example, that she can’t meet the needs of a bottomless pit; no one can. But as Scott fills that void with healthy confidence, the issue will no longer be relevant in their lives.
This couple can succeed, but only if they are willing to be honest about their flaws and follow through with the hard work of fixing themselves, not each other.
